Still as ugly as I remembered them to be. It was worse than I thought too, because some of the more extreme niche type videos had been pirated and were showing up on mainstream free sites. I can’t imagine what he must have thought when he was watching them. So I’m back where I started, except feeling a lot shittier this time. I’m angry but mostly just depressed, because if I’d known this would be my life 10+ years down the road I would have just slept under a bridge back then or something.
I called up my old therapist who counseled me for PTSD and BDD after I left the industry. Last time we met, she and I had both been pretty proud of where I am now, and now I have to go back. I’m pretty fucking ashamed that one breakup after a 3month relationship has brought me down this low.